


Breaking Point

by East02End



Category: EastEnders
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 10:42:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27349846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/East02End/pseuds/East02End
Summary: *TW: Depression, Suicide*So this was supposed to be a one-shot, but there goes me again and I wrote way too much! So I thought I’d split it and turn it into a mini fic. It’s only 5 chapters. Love how I say only 5, when it was supposed to be a lot one-shot. 🙄This is for ShipsBallumAnonymously. I hope you don’t mind it being this way?Anyways, some chapters are quite deep, maybe a little, but it is what it is.Please don’t read if this will upset you!
Relationships: Ben Mitchell/Callum Highway
Comments: 24
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

“Do you want some breakfast?” Callum smiled, facing Ben in bed. 

Ben frowned not hearing any of it. 

“Breakfast?” Callum repeated for him. 

Ben let out a long sigh, closing his eyes. 

“Not hungry.” He whispered. 

“Come on, Ben? You didn’t hardly eat any dinner last night? You’ve got to eat something??”

Ben could feel Callum talking to him, but turned around the other way, away from Callum. 

In truth, he’d not eaten for days. When he did he’d just throw up again. There was no point. He’d ended up throwing it away instead. 

He was growing tired of keeping this up everyday. Callum would be even more worried soon. All he wanted right now was for Callum to be happy, even if he couldn’t be. 

Callum sighed, sliding out of bed, watching Ben curl himself into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible, pulling the cover up to his head. 

Instead he walked round and sat on the edge of the bed, stroking down Ben’s face lightly. 

“Just go to work, Callum.”

“Not when your like this.” 

Ben groaned at Callum shaking his head at him. 

“I’m deaf, Callum, not ill!” 

“Why don’t you stay off work today?”

Ben didn’t bother trying to read his lips, ignoring him, closing his eyes, willing him to go away. 

Callum stood up, disappearing, Ben sighing with relief at being alone. 

“For crying out loud, Callum, I’m missing breakfast this once! Jay can cope on his own at the car lot and dad can handle the garage for me for ONE day! There’s not much use for me, so I’m staying here!”

Ben buried his head in the pillow, as Callum returned with a whiteboard, sitting back down next to him. He’d not been to work for days either, spinning another lie, telling Jay he’d eaten something dodgy. He’d wait for Callum to go to work then turn around and go back to bed. Saying the right things at night, busy day, not much to tell. He wasn’t even sure himself how long he could keep up lying to them both. 

“And you can’t keep writing everything down forever!” Ben cried. 

“I don’t care, Ben. I love you-“ Callum cut himself off knowing Ben would barely be able to hear him. 

He scrawled something down, brushing Ben’s hair away from his eyes. 

“Just go to work, Callum.” Ben turned his head away, refusing to look at Callum. 

Callum lifted Ben’s chin gently, getting him to look at him. 

“Just look.” Callum nodded. 

Ben sighed, taking it from Callum. He was trying so hard to be better, growing more and more tired of it everyday. 

‘I didn’t fall in love with you because you could hear?? I fell in love with you because you are you. I’m staying with you whether you like it or not :)’

Callum smiled at Ben his face softening slightly. 

“If I eat something will you go to work?” He said after awhile.

“I might.” 

Ben sighed, dragging himself out of bed, Callum pulling Ben to him. 

He buried his head in Callum’s neck, breathing him in. 

“I just don’t wanna live like this anymore...” Ben whispered. 

Callum pulled away slightly so Ben could see him easily.

“Hearing or not, it will get better.”

Ben nodded, catching a few words. 

“I don’t see how...”

“We’ll do it together.” He assured. “Now, you need breakfast, come on.”

Ben watched Callum disappear from the bedroom, standing rooted to the spot. 

He closed his eyes, trying to will the nausea to pass, barely feeling the tears slipping down his cheek. 

Silence. That was all he knew now. And he felt heavy, tired, trying to be happy for Callum. 

A couple of months ago, Ben would wake Callum up in the morning with his kisses, hoping for something extra before they both had to go to work. Now he didn’t have the strength to do half of the things he used. Like all the energy had simply washed away.

Ben tried to swallow, the smell of toast filling the room. Even the smell of it was making him feel sick. 

“Coming?”

Ben jumped, Callum suddenly in front of him. 

He was getting better at reading Callum’s face and catching odd words. 

“I was waiting. What you doing?”

Drowning. 

“Err-“ He could barely come up with any excuses anymore. 

“Have you been crying?” Callum looked over Ben, holding the side of his face. 

Ben could see the concern written on his face. At least he didn’t have to come up with yet another lie as to why he was just stuck there.

“Course not, I’m okay.”

Ben wiped his eyes, looking at Callum. 

“Summut in it I think. Toast smells good.” He overly smiled, trying not to gag. 

Callum nodded his head, seemingly satisfied. 

“Sure, your good?”

No. 

Ben was conflicted.

Part of him wanted nothing more than to break down and tell Callum everything. He wanted to seek reassurance and comfort from his boyfriend - to be told he wasn't alone and that everything was going to be okay, even though Ben knew it wasn't.

The other part just wanted to run. Run far away so he wouldn't have to deal with any of this. Somewhere where none of this was happening, he had his hearing and he was happy. 

“Yeah, course.” Ben smiled. “I’ve got you haven’t I?”

Callum took Ben’s hand, Ben letting him pull him towards the smell. He didn’t think he could stand it any longer. 

“You’ll eat it won’t you?”

Ben smiled at Callum, even though he had no idea what he had just said this time.

“Go, go, I’ll be fine. Don’t want you to be late.”

Callum watched Ben picking up the toast, quickly writing something else down. 

Ben took the opportunity to read it, instead of eating. 

‘I’ll try get away at lunch.’

“You don’t have to, I’ll be fine.”

“I want to.” Callum smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. 

Ben watched Callum grabbing his jacket from over the sofa, putting it on. 

“Callum?”

“Hmm?” Callum turned around, so Ben would know he was listening. 

Ben scanned Callum’s face for a second longer, taking in his warm smile. 

“I love you, remember that.” He finally said. 

“I love you too.” Callum smiled. 


	2. Chapter 2

Ben let out a shaky breath when Callum left, chucking the uneaten toast back down, wringing his hands together. 

Callum had barely left the room, Ben clutching onto the countertop, throwing up in the sink. 

He pressed himself against the kitchen counter, trying to keep himself up. His knees buckling underneath him, as he slid down onto the floor, choking out his sobs, wrapping his arms around himself. 

Brick by brick, his wall, the walls that held him up, making him strong, just... collapses... Moment by moment, they fall. He couldn’t keep it in any longer, letting his tears fall freely down his cheeks, drenching his shirt.

He couldn’t stop his whole body from trembling, choking out sobs, desperately trying to breathe normally. 

He didn’t feel normal anymore. All he wanted was to hear Callum’s voice, to hear Lexi’s too. Anything was better than this. Anything was better than too much silence.

He lay on the cold, hard floor, feeling completely numb. Curled up in a ball, his body heavy like a stone, his lungs barely able to breathe, like he was buried under a ton of gravel, crying uncontrollably. 

At that precise moment, he wished the floor would swallow him and he could disappear into peace and nothingness. In the space of a few months, his world had been torn apart. 

The person he was, the happy life he had, they no longer existed. His soul had been ripped out and broken into smithereens, and he was left the empty shell of his old self.

~*~

Ben didn’t know how long he lay there, salty tears slipping down his face into a puddle on the floor, but he kept thinking about that hole that wasn’t going to swallow him. He could change it. Make it all go away. Make himself stop hurting. 

Ben sat up, not bothering to dry his eyes. Everything clicking into place, clear as day. 

He managed to drag himself to his feet, grabbing a full bottle of whiskey from the side, taking a long drink before, looking around the room for a second longer. 

The toast, now freezing left on the side, another of Callum’s jackets draped over the chair, one of Ben’s on top of it. Empty cups left on the side. Normal scenes, but none felt real anymore.

He felt like he was an autopilot, dragging himself upstairs, to the bathroom. 

He pressed his back against the door, closing his eyes, drinking more of the whiskey. 

How was he supposed to do this? It’s not like he’s never tried before. 

He looked around, taking swigs each time, before his eyes rested on the medicine cabinet. 

The jackpot. There was everything in here, Ben not bothering to read what they were, until he found some for Callum. They were from when he had just come home from the army for his PTSD. They must be so strong. 

Even the capital words on the front of the box warning him not to take more than one a day, didn’t stop him. 

He hesitated for a second before he took one, washing it down with the whiskey. He 

Ben sank to the floor, yet more tears slipping down his face. He’d tried. Tried so hard to be positive. For himself, for Callum, for everyone. But he was just too tired and heavy to do it anymore. 

He sobbed to himself, taking another one and another...

~*~

Ben had no idea how many he’d taken, just that he’d emptied a few packets of anything and everything, the whiskey nearly gone. 

He brought his knees up to his chest, breathing quickly through his mouth. His head was damp but he felt cold, shaking. 

Closing his eyes made it worse, the room spinning, making him dizzy. 

Throwing up in the toilet next to him, he downed the rest of the whiskey, his body screaming at him at what he’d just done, trying to get rid of the toxins. It was too late now, the damage had been done. No amount of sick would be able to stop it. 

Ben moaned to himself, trying to calm himself, to block the pain, to accept the pain, to remind himself that it would be over soon, but he hated it. Why did he choose this? A bullet would have been quicker. He always was a glutton for punishment.

His body was on fire and no water would be able to put it out. 

There was a moment of fear, but he let himself slip below the surface. He closed his eyes as the fire engulfed him. An embrace. He was sinking, down forever, away from the light and the pain and the guilt. His hands were numb, his entire body growing weaker, unable to cope. He let it hold him, own him, drown him, as his eyes grew heavy, letting the darkness take him, lost tears escaping, slipping down his cheeks.


	3. Authors Note

As someone who has had depression, anxiety and I have written a fic on here about suicide before, describing how I have been there before. Because I have. It took me a long time to write that fic and it has taken me a long time to get my life back.

I know it can be upsetting to some which is why I put triggers on. Anything can be a trigger for some people, I’d know, so I really don’t want to upset anyone here. 

I have written this fic because someone had asked me too, specifically describing that Ben was depressed and tried to kill himself, because he was struggling to deal with his new hearing loss. I will post the rest as someone asked for this.

I have trans people in my family and am very close with them. I’m not transphobic either, believe me. I wouldn’t dream of it.

I’ve only just read everything and I’m really so sorry if this has offended people...


	4. Chapter 4

Callum threw his jacket over the chair, sighing at Ben not being in the living room. He still hadn’t got up at lunch time, probably still in bed. 

He headed to the kitchen to make himself a drink, before spotting the toast still on the side. 

“And he’s still not ate it.” Callum sighed, shaking his head at the whiskey lid on the side. “That ent gonna sort your problems either.”

Callum frowned, Ben not in the bedroom either, opening the bathroom door. 

Callum let out a sob, taking in Ben sprawled out on the bathroom floor, an empty whiskey bottle, resting in his open hand. 

“Nonono, Ben?!”

Callum dropped to the floor, not daring to touch him. 

“Ben? Come on, please. Don’t do this to me. You can’t!”

He stroked Ben’s face, holding his head in his hands, not responding at all. 

“Please, Ben, I need you?!”

Callum sobbed to himself, looking over Ben, not understanding why he was like this. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you? Please don’t leave me?!” He grabbed his phone next to them, shakily ringing. 

“Erm, I need an ambulance! He needs help!” He whined into the phone. 

Callum held Ben’s hand, putting the phone on speaker, chucking it on the floor next to him. 

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Callum jumped at the sudden voice filling the room.

“I don’t know?! I found him just lying on the bathroom floor!”

“Are there any visible injuries?”

“I don’t think so? I just need someone here to help him!”

“There is someone already on the way, we just need to work out what’s the matter with-“

“Ben. Please, I need him to be okay...”

Callum tried to calm down, struggling to breathe, failing as he looked at Ben not moving on the floor.

“I need you to keep Ben warm if he’s unconscious. Can you do that for me?”

“‘If’?! He isn’t moving at all, I’m pretty sure he’s unconscious?!” He snapped. 

Callum pulled Ben’s limp body into his arms, stroking his still damp hair out of his eyes. The whiskey bottle rolling out of his hand across the floor. 

“Come on, Ben. I need you to be okay. You’ve got to be...”

Callum held Ben’s hand, staring at them together, willing him to close his hand around his. There was nothing. Callum’s locked tightly around Ben’s. Ben’s staying open and so still. 

“Can you describe the scene for me, so we can get an idea what’s wrong with Ben?”

“Describe the scene?! What do you want me to describe, the bloody wallpaper?! I don’t even know if my boyfriend is alive, he’s lying in my arms and you want me to describe the scene?!”

“If we can get an idea what happened, we’ll be better prepared when the paramedics get there.”

Callum roughly wiped away his tears, still gripping onto his hand, trying to keep Ben close as possible. 

“Okay, okay. Erm, he’d got a whiskey bottle in his hand? It’s empty but I can’t remember how much was in it?”

Callum looked around, stroking Ben’s hair. 

“I think he might have had some paracetamol too? There’s a packet near us.”

“So he could have had a reaction to the paracetamol and alcohol. Could he have overdosed?”

“No, course he knows how much to have?!” Completely oblivious to the pile of empty packets of drugs behind them both.

“We don’t know how much alcohol he’s had or how many pills Ben’s taken.”

Callum shook his head, sobbing to himself, pulling Ben closer. 

“He wouldn’t?! He wouldn’t do it...”

~*~

“Jay?” Callum sank back onto the floor, his knees unable to carry him, sobbing into the phone. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?! Where are you?”

Callum sniffed trying to speak, just crying even harder. 

“Home...” He managed to get out. 

“Okay, I’m on my way now. Are you hurt?”

“No, it’s Ben!” He choked out, watching the paramedics surrounding Ben. 

“What’s wrong with him? Just stay calm for me, I’m nearly there, yeah? I was only at the car lot.”

“I just found him, lying there, Jay!” He whined. “I even don’t know exactly what’s wrong with him?”

Callum pulled himself up, as the paramedics started to take Ben away. 

“What’s wrong with him?!” He cried. “You all look like there’s something seriously wrong but why won’t you tell me?!”

“We think Ben might have overdosed, but we need to be sure at the hospital. He needs to go now.”

Callum could hear Jay still talking to him, but it wasn’t going in. All he knew was that Ben was barely alive and he couldn’t do anything to stop him from dying. 

He followed them outside, Jay running up to him, looking mortified. 

“They keep telling me he’s overdosed?!” 

“Overdosed? Like accidentally or...”

“Of course it was an accident, Jay, he wouldn’t do that?! Are you coming or what?”

Callum followed in the ambulance, waiting for Jay to follow. 


	5. Chapter 5

Callum held Ben’s hand the whole way there, refusing to let go. 

“Come on, Ben, I need you to keep fighting.”

“He will.” Jay promised. 

“Well they don’t seem to think so?! They keep saying that he wanted to do this?? They’re wrong, Jay, Ben wouldn’t do this? He wouldn’t just give up. Just look at him, he looks... too quiet.”

Jay sighed, watching Callum whispering to Ben. 

“You’ve got to try...” 

~*~

Callum only let go of his hand when he had to, slumping down onto the chair next to him, burying his head in his hands. 

“I can’t lose him, Jay...”

Jay sat down next to him, wrapping his arm round his shoulders. 

“Hey, you haven’t lost him yet! He’s a fighter. He’s been in some many fights no one can count, he’s been shot? He could have drowned on the boat but he didn’t. He’s made of tough stuff.”

“I just don’t get how they’re so sure he tried...” Callum trailed off, not wanting to think about it. 

Callum looked at Jay, searching his face. “What if he doesn’t want to fight anymore? If he really wanted to...”

“I want to tell you that he didn’t try, but I can’t, Cal, you know that. We just don’t know until the doctors talk to us.”

“I know...” Callum sighed, burying his head back in his hands. 

“l mean, I just thought he wasn’t feeling too good, eaten something dodgy, that’s why he stayed off work for a few days-“

“Wait, what? Did you just say days??” Callum lifted his head up quickly again, frowning at Jay.

“Yeah?”

Callum groaned, running hands through his hair. “He told me he’d been at work?!”

“No...”

“So he was just at home in bed all day? Why didn’t I realise he was so upset about it all?!”

“You didn’t know he was lying?”

“No, he was just bottling everything up so he didn’t worry me...”

They both looked up, a nurse approaching them.

“Ben’s family?”

“Is he okay?! We’ve been waiting for hours??” 

Callum quickly stood up, trying to work out whether it was bad news or good news. 

“Do you want to see him now?” She smiled. 

Callum dropped back onto the seat next to Jay, letting out a long sigh. He felt like he hadn’t taken a breath the whole while he was waiting. 

“He’s okay...” He whispered to himself, standing back up again so he could see Ben. 

“Ben is very very lucky.” She told them, leading them to Ben’s room.

Callum let out a small sob, immediately sitting next to Ben, gripping onto his hand, looking him over.

“We’ve kept him sedated right now and will for a few days, just to let his body recover, but he is very lucky.” She said again. 

“Told you he was a fighter.” Jay smiled, trying to reassure Callum, aware of the look on the nurse’s face. Callum too busy stroking the side of Ben’s face. 

“We’ve completely flushed his system to remove all of the alcohol and drugs, he should make a full recovery, with no other complications. I am sorry to tell you this, but from the different types of drugs, we’re absolutely sure that Ben-

“No, don’t. Please don’t...”

Jay squeezed Callum’s shoulder, trying to calm him down, Callum shaking his head, trying to convince himself. 

“We’re sure he tried to take his own life. I’m sorry, but this wasn’t an accident...”

“He wouldn’t try that?!” He cried. 

“Cal, just listen to her?” Jay tried. 

“No, Jay, cos Ben wouldn’t do that to me?! To Lexi?! He wouldn’t just try and leave us?!”

“He wasn’t thinking straight, Callum?”

“Ben had at least five different drugs in his system.” The nurse told them.

“Nonono! He can’t have?! Five??”

“He had two different types of paracetamols, ibuprofen, codeine and anti-depressants.”

“What?? Where’d he get anti-depress...” Callum trailed off, looking at Ben, horrified. “Oh my god, they were mine! Nonono, this my fault?!”

“Come on, Callum, this isn’t your fault at all.” 

“They were mine, Jay! He might not be like this if he’d not taken them!”

“You couldn’t have seen what he was gonna do?!”

“I SHOULD have? He’s my boyfriend, Jay and I’ve just been ignoring him!”

“You haven’t been ignoring him?! He told me he was ill and told you he was at work?? You couldn’t have kept your eye on him all the time, you didn’t know he’d try something like this??”

Callum ignored him, looking at Ben. He was like this because of him. 

“I’m so sorry, Ben...”

“Callum, I can assure you that what Ben decided, what Ben did was out of your control.” The nurse added. “You didn’t ask him to take those pills did you? I’ve seen this before, believe me, families blaming themselves when it isn’t.”

“Are you telling me there’s absolutely no way, like none whatsoever that it could have been an accident? I just want to be sure...”

“I’m sorry, Callum, but Ben knew what he was doing...” 

Callum nodded slowly, stroking Ben’s hair away from his eyes. 

“Ben made it a lot worse because his stomach was empty. He hasn’t eaten, so the alcohol and drugs combined reacted quicker.”

“He didn’t eat any breakfast, yeah but he did eat a little last night?”

She shook her head, Jay sighing to himself next to him. 

“He hasn’t eaten for at least few days.”

Callum groaned burying his head in Ben’s side. 

“I can’t believe how I’ve missed everything?!”

“I know this is already stressing you out a lot, but Ben can’t do this again. His body wouldn’t be able to cope, if he had the amount of drugs in his body as he did this time all over again. He could have serious complications to his organs. There would be a very slim chance he’d survive again.”

Callum nodded slowly, looking at Ben. He was so close to losing him today. He’d didn’t think he’d be able to cope himself if he lost Ben for good.

“I’ll leave you with him for a while, but we’ll need to assess him when he’s awake, just to see how he is.” 

Callum looked up quickly, looking panicked. 

“He can come home though?!”

“We just need to see kind of state he’ll be in. He still could be a danger to himself or you even.”

“He wouldn’t hurt me?!”

“They just need to be sure.” Jay reassured. “You want him to be okay, don’t you? So he can definitely can come home?”

Callum nodded slowly, looking at Ben. 

“Let them do what they need to then, let them help Ben.” Jay smiled. 

The nurse nodded gratefully to Jay, leaving the room. 

“They’ll need to give him some to talk to too, professionally.”

“I know...” Callum whispered, lightly stroking the side of Ben’s face. He did look a lot better than when he found him, a little pale, but not so weak and fragile. 

“I should have noticed sooner...” Callum whispered, a tear slipping down his cheek.

“What have I said, eh? It’s not your fault, Callum. We don’t know what Ben was feeling like-“

“I should have been there more. He needed me.”

“Your always there for him, everyone knows that? He was struggling because of his hearing. I think it was just too much for him to deal with.”

“And he’s still not going to have full hearing after all this is he?”

“Not fully no, but he’ll have people to help him through it too, you and the professionals. He’s got so many people around him. You know it’s not all just because of his hearing, it was other stuff too.”

Callum nodded hoping Jay was right. 

“I’ve been so selfish. I should have given him more attention. But I was so tired after working at the station, I’ve ignored him. And here I was moaning about being tired. He was probably a completely different kind of tired. He was tired of... life?”

“You are so not selfish, Callum?! You love Ben with your whole life, you do nothing but care about him. I know he’s been struggling a lot more than we thought, but you couldn’t have foreseen this? I don’t check on Lola every five minutes. You can’t blame yourself, okay?”

“I guess...”

“Let me just go ring Kathy and Phil, let Lola know what’s happened too, then I’ll be back, yeah?”

Callum nodded, not even wanting to look away from Ben again, incase he lost him. 

“Jay?”

Jay held the door open, turning back around to face Callum. 

“Thank you. For being here, Ben might not know right now that your here, but he needs his brother.”

“You need someone too you know?” He smiled. “And he certainly needs you too.”

“Just make sure Lola’s okay won’t you?”

Callum looked at Ben, watching him breathe slowly. “Life is too precious to lose the ones you love.”

“I will.” Jay promised. “And you haven’t lost him, remember that.”


	6. Chapter 6

“I should have seen it coming though...” He whispered to himself, stroking Ben’s hair. 

Now he thought about it, there were a million little things that weren’t quite right. 

He should have noticed how upset Ben was about his hearing. 

He really should have noticed as Ben became sharper, harsher when he spoke. 

The sparkle in his eyes became cold. 

He seemed more… calculated. Ben must have tried so hard to be happy in front of him, he always had to make sure no-one suspected anything was wrong.

But Callum was so busy, and it just didn’t occur to him that Ben would actually try and take his own life. 

“I’m sorry, Ben...” He whispered to him, stroking his hair. “I wish I’d have seen something. Then maybe you wouldn’t be here? I love you so so much, I’ll try and make you happier.”

Callum rested his head against Ben’s side, closing his eyes. 

“I love you.” He whispered again. “I don’t ever want to lose you.”

~*~

Callum stayed by Ben’s side for days, refusing to leave the hospital.

Ben opened his eyes slowly, not sure where he was for a second. He closed his eyes again, everything he did flooding back to him, hating himself. 

Part of him wished it had worked. It’s not like he’d achieved anything, everything he’d tried to run away from, was still here. 

Ben sighed to himself, looking at Callum lying against his side, asleep. He buried his hand in Callum’s hair, stroking him lightly. 

The other half of him, regretted it. Just seeing Callum, looking so drained, probably worrying so much. 

Ben rested his against the wall behind him, closing his eyes, keeping his hand in Callum’s hair. He was kind of glad Callum was asleep and no one else was here. He didn’t want to explain himself right now. He couldn’t. 

~*~

Ben sat playing with Callum’s hair, jumping when Jay suddenly appeared next to him. 

“Ben! How long you been awake?”

“For a bit. Bout half an hour. I didn’t want to wake Callum.”

Jay sat down the opposite side to Callum next to Ben, saying nothing. 

“You can talk to me you know?” Ben said after a while, looking at Jay. 

“I’m sorry, I just-“

“Don’t know what to say?”

“Not that, no. It’s just-“ He looked at Ben, making sure he could read his lips easily. 

“This is why I didn’t want to worry anyone with me.”

“What??”

“You looking at me like a wounded puppy!”

“Ben, you do realise what you did?”

“Yes, Jay?!”

“Cos this really serious?!”

“Please, Jay, don’t. Not now.” Ben sighed. 

“What were you thinking, Ben?”

“I wasn’t okay?!” He snapped. Ben instantly regretted it looking at Jay. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just wanted everything in here to just go away.” Ben pointed to his head, sighing to himself. 

“I don’t wanna sound cliché but-“

“It ent the answer, I know.”

“Come on, Ben. No one wants to lose you.”

“Please, Jay! I can’t do this now...”

Jay shook his head, looking at Ben playing with Callum’s hair. 

“Can you just let me talk to him, when he’s awake?” Ben looked back at Callum, lying against him. 

“In other words go away, Jay?” He smiled. 

“Please?”

“Course. You do know he will attack you?”

“I know. I just need to talk to him. Properly.”

“He was in a right state when he called me.”

“He didn’t...”

“Yes, Ben, he found you. Don’t know how he’s held it together, think it’s all caught up with him.” Jay nodded towards Callum, fast asleep.

Ben sighed, closing his eyes. 

“I can’t believe I did that to him.”

“Your weren’t thinking about anything, Ben.”

“I should have been, Jay?! I mean, look at him. He looks so tired and I just...”

“Your both the same.” Jay smiled. “You both worry about the other not caring about yourself.”

“He’s gonna hate me...” Ben whispered.

“He won’t.” Jay promised. “He’s been blaming himself over and over.”

“What?! You did tell him-“

“Yes, calm down, I’ve tried, but you can’t shut him out.”

“I wasn’t!” Ben groaned, shaking his head. “This is such a mess.”

“Just don’t go pushing him away like you always try too. He’s given you a second chance at life.”

“I won’t.”

Ben looked at Callum sleeping on him, still gripping onto Ben’s hand tightly. 

~*~

“Ben!” Callum scanned Ben’s face, taking in his eyes again. “You should have woke me?”

“You look shattered.” 

Callum looked at Ben, Ben presuming Callum was going to hate him. 

“Callum...” He started. 

Callum threw his arms around Ben, pressing kisses to his neck. 

“I love you. I love you so much.”

Ben wrapped his arms around Callum, breathing him in. 

They stayed together in silence for a while just holding each other. 

Callum sat next to Ben on the bed, holding his hand in both of his. 

“Do you need me to write it down? Cos I can if it makes you feel better.”

“You don’t need to do that for me.”

Callum searched Ben’s face, trying to make sure. 

“I can lip read. Well, you already know that, when I told you about prison? But, I’m okay.”

“Slower.” Callum smiled. 

Ben nodded, giving Callum a small smile. 

“I thought I lost you, Ben... You know, I love you. Don’t think I don’t-“

“I know you do.” Ben added quickly. “I’ve never doubted that. I’m sorry...”

“Hey, I promise I’ll look after you.” Callum brushed Ben’s hair back from his eyes. 

“For scaring you.”

“I can’t live without you, Ben.”

“I know I hurt you-“

“Your hurting though...”

“Please, I need to say it. Like I should have before.”

Callum nodded, holding Ben’s hand on both of his. “I’m listening.”

“Before I say anything, I need you to know that I didn’t- this isn’t your fault, okay? None of it. It wasn’t you or anything you’ve said or done. Cos I love you and I know you love me.”

“But I haven’t been-“

Ben let go of Callum’s hands, holding the sides of his face. 

“Just listen to me, Cal. You have done nothing wrong, yeah?”

Callum nodded slowly, looking at Ben. 

“At the start I did get upset because I’d lost most of my hearing. And it was hard learning to live differently. But after it was more about trying to stay positive. Not just for me but for you too.”

“So it was my fault!”

“No, Cal. I wanted you to be happy and just for that second before I...”

Ben trailed off, Callum wiping his tears away.

“There was this doubt? I thought maybe you were better off without me. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to look after me all the time.”

“I will always be here for you, no matter what.”

“I know, I just needed you to be happy even if I wasn’t?”

“Nothing else matters as long as I have you. I don’t care about anything else. I love you so much.”

Callum held Ben’s face in his hands, wiping his tears away with his thumbs. 

“Your not broken, Ben? You don’t need fixing? Your perfect just the way you are. Hearing or not, I love you for who you are. Don’t ever think your not good enough, because your better than good enough. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. In my eyes we’ve only just begun.”

Ben gave Callum a small smile, wrapping his arms around him.

“I love you.” He whispered against Callum’s neck.

Callum pulled away so Ben could see him, taking his face in his again, stroking him lightly.

“Promise me one thing.”

Ben nodded, searching Callum’s eyes.

“You don’t pretend to be happy for me. It’s okay to be sad or hurting sometimes. It’s okay to not be okay? I just want you to talk to me about it, yeah?”

“I can talk to you, course I can, I just didn’t want to worry you.”

“I promise you don’t need to ‘get better’ or be ‘fixed’ because you are you and that’s all I want. I just want you.” Callum smiled, still stroking his face lightly. 

“Yeah?”

“All of you.” Callum grinned, pulling Ben to him. 

“Thank you, for everything, Cal. I love you so much.”

Ben smiled to himself, feeling happier than he had for a long while, holding Callum a little tighter.


End file.
